Beware: There Be Mary-Sues Here

Have any of you ever heard of Pottersues? It's a community on Livejournal that dedicates itself solely to the purpose of mocking Mary-Sues in the Potterdom. There were all types. Canon-Sues, Emo-Sues, Sues-That-Can-Make-You-Puke, Sues-That-Cannot-Be-Named and so on. Well, that's all well and good, but Draco hears me snickering to myself on the laptop while he's entertaining my sister with the telly (they're watching the Grim Adventurs of Billy and Mandy by the way). Severus has gone shopping at Melange de Magique (it's a magic shop that sells all sorts of things like herbs, books and the like) so he's off babysitting detail.

"What are you reading?" he asks, sauntering over to a seat next to me. And me, being the slash fanfic lover that I am and also a guilty reader of Sues--if only to mock them--quickly cover the screen with my hands.

"Goodness! No privacy!" I tell him, trying to at least pretend to be affronted. He gives me a dry look and we struggle for a few moments until he manages a few sentences from the screen and his eyes widen and he backs off. I just chuckle at his reaction. "Told ya not to look!" Well, I hadn't, but the meaning behind my hiding the screen was rather obvious, wasn't it?

"People...people write such...things about me?" he asks, his face paler than usual. I grin.

"Oh, not just you. Sometimes with Harry, sometimes with Ron and sometimes with all three of you at the same time." I tell him, doing my best to sound as dirty as possible. And considering that Draco is a seventeen year old boy, my efforts had not been in vain. He blushes a bright tomato cherry red.

"That's...that's...immoral. Disgusting!"

"Not to these hormonal thirteen year olds."

"Thirteen year olds?!" he says, incredulous. His eyes are practically bulging out of their sockets! "I am not a cradle robber."

"No, but I know somebody who is." I say, grinning like a Chesire Cat and thinking very dirty thoughts about Draco's former/not former master. He catches on pretty quickly and goes from bight red to a sickly green. Poor boy wants to puke. I'd feel sorry, but it's just too fun to torture him like this. "Oh, come on. I'll feed you some fish..." He runs off to the lavatory. "...sticks. Oh, well more for me."

- - -

After Draco upchucks all the contents of his stomach we manage to have a rather peaceful lunch of fish and chips. Around this time, Severus comes home with loads in his arms. I go over to help him unload his things. All the while I make lewd comments. Lots of lewd comments. I can't help it. Underneath all my propriety, prudeness and overall 'motherly' attitude...I am quite the pervert. And damn proud of this fact.

Severus makes a comment about it finally after the sixth batch of chips I cook up.

"Draco's discovered Mary-Sue fanfiction." I tell him. Severus, who has been in the Muggle World much longer than most wizards, has already discovered what fanfiction is and what sorts of fanfictions that can be made. He actually snorts.

"The bane of all existence." he says. He turns to Draco. "You think those are terrible, she hasn't read any M-PREGs to you aloud as if she were reciting poetry." The boy gives us a confused look. "An M-PREG is usually a silly little romance story about how one person in a pair of males becomes pregnant and then gives birth." Once again, Draco turns a sickly shade of green and runs off to the bathroom. "I assume you haven't told him about the Nazi slash fanfictions involving him and..."

"Don't remind me. I'm still trying to get that image out of my mind." At this, Severus smiles sadistically. Ever since a month ago, he and I have been trying to outdo the other in who has the stronger stomach after a disagreement about who had a suckier life...him or me. True, he does win for the fact that he has Voldemort as a master and he had to kill Dumbledore and all...But I am a nineteen year old young woman with problems, so I could possibly care less. Anyways...we tend to use fanfiction slash pairings to try and make the other gross out.

I think the weirdest--and most vile--pairing we've ever come up with was 'the squid/every female student in Hogwarts under 18'. Because we all know what happens with school girls and tentacles. Ha. Poor Severus. I must've scarred him pretty bad.

"I'm thinking about writing a few new stories." I announce randomly.

"Again?" Severus inquires. "You haven't even finished Chain of Memories yet." For all of you who don't bother reading my bad writing, Chain of Memories is one of my Harry Potter fanfictions involving our very own Severus Snape trying to figure out some lost memories that he finds in a music box. It's an Alternate Universe, one that he finds amusing to say the least. "How do you expect to juggle any more stories? You have so many." I wave at him dismissively.

"It'll be one of those 'update once every two weeks' type of thing." I tell him. "And I promised to start writing my Okage: Shadow King after Chain of Memories anyways. The story I'll want to do is about Muses."

"Muses?"

"Muses."

"Yup. Two very famous muses of writing who are aptly named Orijinoru Karakuta and Mary-Sue Anabella Isabelle Serena Raven Lunar Eclipse Selena Anna-Maria Johnson-Valentine the Third." He chokes on the name.

"Mary-Sue?"

"Yup."

"You're serious?"

"It's a comedy of sorts. It'll be fun."

"Define fun."

"Oh, come on...my sense of humor isn't that bad?"

"Define humor."

I sigh. Well, whatever. I am going to write about thesetwo. After reading about all of these sues from Pottersues and the Mary-Sue report...I have the urge to do it. With all the story plots and twists I have in mind...they'll be fun for sure....