Beware: There Be Mary-Sues Here

Have any of you ever heard of Pottersues? It's a community on Livejournal that dedicates itself solely to the purpose of mocking Mary-Sues in the Potterdom. There were all types. Canon-Sues, Emo-Sues, Sues-That-Can-Make-You-Puke, Sues-That-Cannot-Be-Named and so on. Well, that's all well and good, but Draco hears me snickering to myself on the laptop while he's entertaining my sister with the telly (they're watching the Grim Adventurs of Billy and Mandy by the way). Severus has gone shopping at Melange de Magique (it's a magic shop that sells all sorts of things like herbs, books and the like) so he's off babysitting detail.

"What are you reading?" he asks, sauntering over to a seat next to me. And me, being the slash fanfic lover that I am and also a guilty reader of Sues--if only to mock them--quickly cover the screen with my hands.

"Goodness! No privacy!" I tell him, trying to at least pretend to be affronted. He gives me a dry look and we struggle for a few moments until he manages a few sentences from the screen and his eyes widen and he backs off. I just chuckle at his reaction. "Told ya not to look!" Well, I hadn't, but the meaning behind my hiding the screen was rather obvious, wasn't it?

"People...people write such...things about me?" he asks, his face paler than usual. I grin.

"Oh, not just you. Sometimes with Harry, sometimes with Ron and sometimes with all three of you at the same time." I tell him, doing my best to sound as dirty as possible. And considering that Draco is a seventeen year old boy, my efforts had not been in vain. He blushes a bright tomato cherry red.

"That's...that's...immoral. Disgusting!"

"Not to these hormonal thirteen year olds."

"Thirteen year olds?!" he says, incredulous. His eyes are practically bulging out of their sockets! "I am not a cradle robber."

"No, but I know somebody who is." I say, grinning like a Chesire Cat and thinking very dirty thoughts about Draco's former/not former master. He catches on pretty quickly and goes from bight red to a sickly green. Poor boy wants to puke. I'd feel sorry, but it's just too fun to torture him like this. "Oh, come on. I'll feed you some fish..." He runs off to the lavatory. "...sticks. Oh, well more for me."

- - -

After Draco upchucks all the contents of his stomach we manage to have a rather peaceful lunch of fish and chips. Around this time, Severus comes home with loads in his arms. I go over to help him unload his things. All the while I make lewd comments. Lots of lewd comments. I can't help it. Underneath all my propriety, prudeness and overall 'motherly' attitude...I am quite the pervert. And damn proud of this fact.

Severus makes a comment about it finally after the sixth batch of chips I cook up.

"Draco's discovered Mary-Sue fanfiction." I tell him. Severus, who has been in the Muggle World much longer than most wizards, has already discovered what fanfiction is and what sorts of fanfictions that can be made. He actually snorts.

"The bane of all existence." he says. He turns to Draco. "You think those are terrible, she hasn't read any M-PREGs to you aloud as if she were reciting poetry." The boy gives us a confused look. "An M-PREG is usually a silly little romance story about how one person in a pair of males becomes pregnant and then gives birth." Once again, Draco turns a sickly shade of green and runs off to the bathroom. "I assume you haven't told him about the Nazi slash fanfictions involving him and..."

"Don't remind me. I'm still trying to get that image out of my mind." At this, Severus smiles sadistically. Ever since a month ago, he and I have been trying to outdo the other in who has the stronger stomach after a disagreement about who had a suckier life...him or me. True, he does win for the fact that he has Voldemort as a master and he had to kill Dumbledore and all...But I am a nineteen year old young woman with problems, so I could possibly care less. Anyways...we tend to use fanfiction slash pairings to try and make the other gross out.

I think the weirdest--and most vile--pairing we've ever come up with was 'the squid/every female student in Hogwarts under 18'. Because we all know what happens with school girls and tentacles. Ha. Poor Severus. I must've scarred him pretty bad.

"I'm thinking about writing a few new stories." I announce randomly.

"Again?" Severus inquires. "You haven't even finished Chain of Memories yet." For all of you who don't bother reading my bad writing, Chain of Memories is one of my Harry Potter fanfictions involving our very own Severus Snape trying to figure out some lost memories that he finds in a music box. It's an Alternate Universe, one that he finds amusing to say the least. "How do you expect to juggle any more stories? You have so many." I wave at him dismissively.

"It'll be one of those 'update once every two weeks' type of thing." I tell him. "And I promised to start writing my Okage: Shadow King after Chain of Memories anyways. The story I'll want to do is about Muses."

"Muses?"

"Muses."

"Yup. Two very famous muses of writing who are aptly named Orijinoru Karakuta and Mary-Sue Anabella Isabelle Serena Raven Lunar Eclipse Selena Anna-Maria Johnson-Valentine the Third." He chokes on the name.

"Mary-Sue?"

"Yup."

"You're serious?"

"It's a comedy of sorts. It'll be fun."

"Define fun."

"Oh, come on...my sense of humor isn't that bad?"

"Define humor."

I sigh. Well, whatever. I am going to write about thesetwo. After reading about all of these sues from Pottersues and the Mary-Sue report...I have the urge to do it. With all the story plots and twists I have in mind...they'll be fun for sure....

The Writer, the Twit and the Git

Oh thank god! I finally managed to get this up! You guys have absolutely no idea the type of torture I had to go through. And by torture I mean with the constant whining and complaining and the--urgh! I am so glad they never grasped the concept of a bloody computer. Stupid bloody gits.

Forgive me. These last few months had been rather tedious and I needed to rant a few moments. Let me start by introducing myself.

Hi. My name is Alice Valentine, also known as Elessar Slytherin, jokingly called Issodore Telcontar and better known as 'Cinderella' at home. But for all purposes I prefer the name of Keily Shinra. Any deriatives such as 'Kei-chan', 'Kei', or 'Miss Shinra' work as well, but nothing too formal thanks. I think I've had enough of that to last me the next six lifetimes. I am a young writer in college who enjoys cosplaying (costume playing for those who don't know the term, it means...well...dressing up and pretending to be somebody else), drawing, singing and...um...things that are NC-17.

Alright...now that you know the basic of the basics...lets get on to the story...

...Unfortunately it actually happened some months ago and is still ongoing today, but I shall tell you the gist of what has happened in my formerly peaceful life.

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who liked Harry Potter who had muses to help her write fanfics and such. One hot summer day as she had a nasty writer's block for a random HP fanfic she was writing her muses appeared....literally. They had been bruised, bleeding and generally not in such a very nice state. In fact, she was very sure that the younger one was pretty damned concussed while the older one was...well...

Lets not get into that.

So the happy little writer nursed them back to health and when they did...they threatened her and told her to keep her mouth shut and lots of other nasty things. And so was the first meeting of the Writer, the Twit and the Git. They had several misadventures together such as the microwave mishap where one little Twit just couldn't understand how it worked and tried other means of heating up...rice. And the whole costuming thing where the Writer decided it was a good day to dress up exactly like the Git for no apparent reason except for her own amusement. And don't even get the Writer started with Halloween. Running from one end of the city to the other dressed up in a Sailor Moon outfit looking for a greasy Git and a stupid Twit was not her idea of fun.

And we come to our current story today...which happens to be the story where Severus Snape finally does his job as a muse....sort of.

------

I always entertained the thought of having Severus Snape for a muse as very amusing. And it rather is, but it's also....really annoying. I mean really. But considering that I made the poor guy do quite a few embarrassing things in some of my fanfics--and my mind, but he doesn't need to know that--I guess I deserve it. Ha ha. I am really glad he stinks with computers. Of course, he being a teacher he decides to be critical about everything that I do. Such as...my homework.

Grah. And here I thought my parents drive me crazy!

"The semi-colon doesn't go there," he tells me. "In fact...that entire sentence is wrong."

"Oh, leave me alone!" I yell at him in frustration, throwing my hands up into the air. "It's only my humanities essay proposal! Nobody cares about humanities as much as they care about...about..." I stop moment to think about a proper Wizarding subject. "...History of Magic!"

"It is from the past that we learn." Severus says to me, rolling his eyes heavenward. "Otherwise we are doomed to repeat our mistakes."

"Oh, quit preaching." I tell him with a long suffering sigh mastered through years and years of nagging by my family members. "Look...I really don't care about the proposal as I do the essay. She'll mark me on that...not my damn proposal."

"But it's in your proposal where your first impression can be made. Should your proposal fail, not only would she have a bad taste left in her mouth then you'll be forced to write yet another one." I glare at him. God. It's like talking to myself. Yes, I'll admit it (not out loud of course). Severus and I have a lot in common. Although it is annoying to have your own thoughts parroted back at you. I should know. I've done it to him--and myself--plenty of times. Comes with being a weirdo with extreme amounts of rationality where there shouldn't be. After all...I'm nineteen. Shouldn't I be some sort of reckless youth?

I sigh again and just click save and then close the program and put on some music. I can't write when I've got a major case of writer's block. I heave a sigh again and look to the clock and then check the date. Today is Remembrance Day. A day we remember the fallen from the wars before...well...I's say 'our' time, but I don't think it's too appropriate. I'd say...my time. But it's also a day to those who are falling every day...who sacrifice their lives so that we may live better lives...

In a move considering to be 'slithering out', I ask him if he's doing anything for the day besides annoy me.

"No," he answers, "...Why?"

I smile and drag him downstairs where we both find Draco, napping away on the couch. I grab my house keys and leave a note for Draco before I drag dear Severus with me outside and towards Mount Royal.

Mount Royal's this small mountain where lots of things happen. Like the boffle weapon fights at the Tam Tams (an event where people get together to sell wares play music or just have fun every weekend during the summer), boating at the mountaintop lake, rollerblading, biking and a few months ago...have a funeral. Yeah, I got stuck helping a funeral and you'd never guess whose it was.

Dumbledore's.

Of course, it wasn't the same one in the Wizarding World's, but we fans of HP in Montreal wanted to give the old coot our respects. So we had our own funeral and a memorial made. Hopefully it's still standing, but I don't know...

I tell him we're visiting Dumbledore's grave to pay our respects. Severus falls silent at this, but I can pretty much guess why. After all, he was the one who 'pulled the trigger' on him. But though he's pretty damn reluctant I pull him up the entire five or so kilometres with me to see the lakeside memorial to him. It's still early, because, you know...in Canada we have a moment of silence at eleven o'clock in the morning in remembrance of the dead, but...it can't get anymore silent than it already is. Severus is pretty quiet and I'm not one for saying much unless I have to. And then something strikes at me as I begin to remember something else...

I pull out a knife and begin to carve other names on the memorial--it's wood by the way.

"What...are you doing?" he asks. I give him a look.

"I think he would have liked to have had this known as well...." I tell him as I continue to carve. He gives me a weird look, but I continued with my work until I was done. And when I am done, he nods in approval anyways. It took me a bit and I almost froze my hands out here, but I managed. He helped a bit, too, in the end. I added more names to the memorial...names that not many think about because they seem not as important...

"But they are important. Without each little individual thing they did...things could be worse in your world." I say to Severus as we begin to walk back to my house. "So many people had to die...and many more will die, I bet...when are you going to go home?"

He doesn't answer and I don't expect the old git to. By now he probably didn't have much of a home to go to anymore. And if he did try to go back he'd be charged and then put to death. And Draco...

Well, this is a rather sober day. I suppose I'll make the boys something nice and soothing for dinner tonight. I think they'll appreciate the mternal side of me more than the sarcastic Slytherin side for tonight...

...in remembrance of those who had fallen.